acid_burn815

maybe it is all the crap that is going on in my life that brought me back to live journal. i am going through so much and trying to find direction all at the same time. i know when God closes a door he opens a window, but i am still trying to figure out where this window is! i am currently staying with my mom and grandma with tori. jerm and i are trying to figure out where to move, but he is staying with some friends. there are obvious problems there so i don't need to go on.
work sucks. i have my good times, don't get me wrong, but i have some problems that i am going to have to bring up soon. i have a business guy as my immediate supervisor (i am stuck in the front doing office work/evidence intake/reporting/finding everyones stuff/picking up the slack wherever it may be kind of thing. oh yeah, and serology, fingerprinting, crime scene training, and drug chemistry training and soon case review. i have a lot to do, but we don't have much case work for me to do at any particular time. but when i have something to do, i have to ask permission to do it, i have to drop what i am doing and take in evidence or watch the phone while my supervisor "goes to lunch" or whatever. things get better and then he goes back to normal. i dunno. maybe it is just because there is something about him i don't like. interns have the relationships in the lab that i want. i kinda miss the smell of the flammables cabinet. i miss the cold feeling acetone on gloves gives you. i miss the sound of timers going off when a test is done, and the feeling of finding that one positive stain. some days i wish we get a call to a scene so i can do something other than answer phones and send messages.
to make things better my uncle committed suicide last week and i had to deal with that and everything else on top of it. it was out of the blue. we just saw him the day before for his son's b-day party. he was fine, nothing out of the ordinary. then i got a phone call that he was dead and he did it. no note, so no definite reason why. we have theories that it was a medicine thing, but no certainty. it was just so out of character. so not my Uncle Bill. my 8 year old cousin doesn't have his daddy anymore, one week to the day of his bday, his dad is gone. and my aunt, wow, i don't know what to say. it is so hard to talk to them and see them. i know i can't make them better but that is my only thought. so i just stay there, i hug i talk to them. i guess that is all i can do. i just worry and wish i could do more.

i am still in the realm of the living. work is picking up a lot, we are having another open house to celebrate our accreditation. tori is in kindergarten now. she is tall, skinny, blond and smart. a strange combo. jerm is still plumbing away and i am still doing enough work for 3 people at the lab. not much to report.

i am an aunt again. my sis in law had a baby boy around christmas. well i need to get going. i will type again when i have more time!

just wanted to say that life is stress here too. my lab is about to undergo the big audit (on my bday no less) so that is all stress. the worst part is there will only be 3 of us in the lab the week before. one will be gone most of it i'm sure doing whatever it is he does. i will be stuck in the front answering phones and doing my glorified secretary job. the last will be chained in front of a gcms trying to get cases out (if we have any). maybe an intern will come so i can pester them.
i'm trying to plan a one day vacation for my little family. we are trying to do things as a family now and this one will kick my ass. jerm and tori have never been to the beach. we may go to the beach stay the night and go home. we can't take any more time off than a weekend, so it is not fun. oh well. the things you do to please your kid. all this and a budget of nothing much. :)
well i need to chase tori now. i will yap when i am not so tired.

i have been sick for almost 2 weeks. i have lost about 15 pounds. i have just finished a wonderful blood spatter class, but feel totally and completely dead from going to it despite the sickness. i just have a tummy bug and a bladder infection, but i did have to be diagnosed in the er and have about 3 liters of fluid pumped into me. not fun. my job has offered me some security. through a friend i have found out that i will be loosing some of my stupid duties and gaining some "better things to do". i can't wait. we are still in the process of moving into the new wing, and i have been informed there may be a grand re-opening planned. waste of time in my book, we have more important things to do than stop all we are doing to show people around our lab. whoo-hoo we have more space. whoo-hoo we have offices now. big deal, we have an audit to worry about. anywho. i need to get going. i hope all is well in real life not just lj!

i have decided that i hate my job. not my title, but the job itself. seeing as how no one really knows what my job is, it becomes everything no one else wants to do. i have to fight to get any training, and i think i will also have to give up fighting to keep my job. my "supervisor" seems to think i am the only one of us who can address a letter. he misspelled chief in one letter. that is bad because as you know i am HORRIBLE when it comes to spelling. anywho, i have a feeling he is pushing my buttons so i blow up and he can tattle on me and try to get me fired. i think it is lame, but he knows that i don't like him. i really cannot stand this guy. he is ruining the company! he is trying to be in charge of everything the lab is and he doesn't even know what ASCLD stands for! arg! i am so frustrated! in the words of dory "just keep swimming"

things are going ok. i have issues with my job, i don't get paid enough, no analyst gets paid enough, and the "sales" guy always seems to show off how much money he can spend. i know i should live a healthier lifestyle, but i'm not going to blow my paycheck at gnc either. i just don't get it. our company doesn't have a shitload of money (i help with the books, so i know) so i know we can't afford to give everyone raises, but sometimes i feel that i have to put up with way too much shit that i shouldn't have to in the office. i can't be trained because i am too busy doing piddly shit in the office. i had to fight to get to go to the conference on friday, and i don't like that. there is a lot of tension at work as well, and i don't know if i am a part of it or not. i dunno. sometimes i feel that i am living office space...'

home life is slowly getting better. jerm got a new job that pays much more money so some stress has been relived. i do still feel like i need to spend more time with females my own age. we'll have to see because my best friend is going to move to colorado with her boy friend. i disowned my former concert buddy, she is a mooch who only thinks of herself. i also think that if she found out that jerm and i broke up she would go after him. yeah. that sucks.
well i need to feed my daughter again. i'll try to have something exciting to talk about next time.

i started writing a min ago and realized that i have a lot of issues to get through. i need to find myself again. i need to be a better mom. i need to decide if this relationship is really going somewhere or if i should just get it over with. i need to figure out what i want to do with my career. i need to make more money. i need to either get used to my coworker, or kill him. i need to stop fantasizing about a better life and just do it!
i read your entry, holly, and i and i often feel that i have settled for something to make me content, and now i just feel pissed off at myself. well i have to get my daughter to bed, we are going to see horses tomorrow and she is psyched!

i have been a busy little bee lately. my grandma was in the hospital last week, and i have had a lot of stuff to do other than check e-mail! (my grandma is better now.)

i start my first 9-5 on monday! i am working in the office of the lab i have been interning in. the position allows for more lab training, but fills in some of the gaps that have been exposed. i will be my boss's keeper. i keep track of his stuff, take care of bills and expenses, order stuff, and try to keep the analysts happy. i think i will like the paycheck, well as soon as i can wrangle everyone together and tell me the exact amount i will be making! arg, but enough about that.
in an odd chain of events i found a former friend of mine on myspace. i don't have an account, but my friend does, so i was looking up old friends from long ago and boom! on a friends page i found a pic of the friend of mine i thought was dead bc she never called me after a meeting with her husband after she left him. part of me is happy to know she is alive, but the rest of me is hurt by this. she always kept in contact with me. my e-mail hasn't changed in all this time, if she was online, she could have contacted me. she called me her sister, we were bext friends, we both had kids close in age, we were so close, but then this. i feel betrayed. i don't know what to do about that. i have thought about getting a page and denying her friend request, but i don't know. i just hurt. enough about that.

something did come up today. a friend of mine (who has kinda been out of the pic for a while) called me today and wants to visit next weekend. we are good friends, but she kinda disappears and then reappears when she is bored with her new friends. it is kinda odd, but that is how things have been for a while. i don't know what we are going to do. i am really not a very exciting person. i don't go clubbing or anything like that, she does occasionally, i don't do much really. i am a mom. i live the mom life. i don't know how to have fun anymore! :)
i just have to come up with something fun/cheap to do for the weekend that doesn't interfere with the mom life!
well i need to go, i'll try to get back on before too long!

i decided to have a peanut butter sandwich the other day... the day of the recall. i know why they have recalled it! yes, i am one of the sad few who is now infected with an evil bacteria! isn't it wonderful! jerm thinks i am going to die from this, i told him it would resolve itself soon.
needless to say i stayed home today.

i am having a bit of a dilema. this years edgefest sounds good, but i said last year that i refused to go to another concert at pizza hut park. what to do? and then the toadies are performing on st patty's day and i want to go, but only one friend who lives far away can go with me. it is such a bummer and for those who have never seen the toadies live and are over 21, you NEED to see them live. they are amazing.

as for everything else that i have posted in the past, things are much better. no issues since the last post, which is good. my diploma is finally in, so i will be done with school!! i do have to get back to research though, i am writing a paper for work and it is due soon. hopefully something good will come of all this mess.

i think that is statement enough. i really don't know what is going on with my love life right now. jerm and i are at each other's throats all the time. i think it has something to do with his life going nowhere but down the drain and mine is starting to pan out to be something. i don't know who's problem it is. i find him to be annoying the crap out of me most of the time. i know he is depressed, but he has been drinking and that is no excuse to be drinking a lot. when he is sober, things can be ok. can be. it always seems that i have to take care of tori, he plays with her. i wake up and get her ready to go to school, and myself ready to go to work. he plays with her while i'm finishing myself and messes up her hair or something like that. or my fave, when i have to do something else, he can't get her ready. like when i was trying to find something for my mom online and he couldn't get tori to brush her teeth. it was like "tori, brush your teeth, no, ok, mommy will do it later."
last night we got into it and i told him that it hasn't been easy to live with either. he got upset and then when i was about to go to sleep, he decided to cuddle. when he fights with me, give him a moment and then he will be fine. he will act as if nothing is wrong and i am tired of it. i don't know if something good will come out of this or if we should call it off. i think i need some time, but i dunno. thing is that i know i can live without him now. i am the main one to take care of tori, i do most of the cleaning, i do the laundry. there would just be one less person to take care of. would i miss him? yes, but i wouldn't miss the fighting. the only problem would be work, i am on call at night sometimes, and if i am called in i have no one to stay with tori. i dunno.
on a happy note, work is fine. everything is working out there, i hope i can get hired on soon. talk is they will need me soon, but it is just waiting. i don't know how much more i can handle. i want money, i want independence, i want to go to bed. i think i should do that and stop typing so much.
good to know you had a great time with trey, i wish you the best!

it has been a long time since i have been able to separate myself from everything to chat. sorry about that. things have been hectic at my house, and i have gone to "work" just about every day since graduation. i may have a position there depending on the cash flow. nothing spectacular, but a paycheck all the same. part time, but i would have a crack at a good job as soon as needed. i think i can wait until march, and then i'm on monster.

but enough about that. today has been one of those days when i have the rage. maybe you have had it too. the rage is when you are fine, and then all of a sudden someone (or more) need to die. you just feel the urge to just beat the crap out of someone for no real reason. they just existed at a moment and you didn't want them too. lately that has been happening more and more, and it seems that jerm is the normal victim. i don't really know what that means, but it bothers me. we have great moments, and then i want him gone. some days i am pissed that he is with his friends, and then other days i can't wait until he leaves. i don't know.
but enough about that.
i still don't have my diploma. i guess it takes forever to print a piece of paper. my daughter is cute and crazy. she didn't want to go back to school after the weather days, but all seems to be fine now. she is as tall as my chest, which i know isn't saying much, but for an almost 5 year old, she is huge! i should put some pics on here soon. i know i have enough!
i need to get back to my thank you cards, so i'll yap again soon.

so much has gone on lately! i am a college graduate now!! i got honors! i am DONE! i am sooo happy about that. finals kicked my ass, but not nearly as bad as dead week. i didn't fall when i graduated (again i am happy) and my family is doing ok.
after graduation was odd. i haven't really had an event that my mom and dad were both in attendance for and spent time together. what i mean is we all went out for dinner after graduation. my dad gave my mom a hug after i graduated and actually talked about things with her. things about the past, her love of asparagus, asked her if she wanted a glass of wine, that kind of thing. not really like he wanted her back, but just kinda odd. i dunno, as a child of divorce, that kind of thing bugs you a bit. things that always happened about 13 years ago seem odd when they happen now. all that has kind of sent me into this weird stage where i am reflecting on my relationship with my dad and his wife, and i'm really not happy about it.
there are some things in life that are out of your control and this is one of them. i do sometimes wish that i could drink, get drunk and call his wife and give her a piece of my mind. but what good would that do? i would be hungover and that would suck. and she would try to rule with her iron pussy and tell dad to have no contact with me, and he would probably go along with it like he has all the other crap. oh well, see why i don't like to think about this stuff...

tori had a wonderful christmas! i can't complain too much, but i will bc this is what the journal is about right? i have conformed to society and purchased an ipod. i know, why you ask. this is bc i am SICK of having my favorite cd's scratched, or just taken from me and i cannot listen to them when i want. i got the whole listen in your car thing so i can really use it. i think i will be happy about it, but i will bitch about it soon. that and i have a friend who has a lot of music i can use...
now for the pissy stuff. i am upset with jerm's mom, and really him too. she has taken him somewhere both christmas day and today when i had plans for us today. both days he has locked himself out of the house (he leaves his keys to the house inside, males are dumb) and goes to a friend's house. he is there now i believe because of all the bull (that made no sense) today. he had to take his mom to work and use her car so he now has to pick her up tonight at midnight. yup. he isn't here, so i assume he waited over at his wonderful friend's house and if i still had a key to his mom's car and another driver to aid in the mischief, i would jack the car and take it to his mom and leave him there. why am i upset? i had to go see my dad's side of the family without him. i had to drive a long distance in areas that aren't the best and my mom went with me to make sure i wouldn't be alone with tori. my mom and my dad's side of the family have no probs, they seem to like her better than him most of the time. that is not the prob, it was him telling me last night that we needed to spend more time with my family and then him bailing. i'm just pissed.
i got an atari for christmas. and a beadazzler. i'm happy. i need to sleep now, i have to be up in a few hours. i'll talk again soon!
happy belated holly!!

dead week. the week before finals that kills you. yes, dead week. i hate dead week. the soap opera of life exploded this week. it seems that my school and family don't like each other. i am pulled in 6 diferent directions by school and family and i just have to go with the flow. not to mention all the things that i need to do to get my house ready for christmas! thank God i have finals next week and don't have to be bothered by the classes. GRADUATE! yes i graduate! it has been a long time comming, and i am proud to be an almost graduate.
my boss seems to like me, i hope they hire me. he has asked me if i still wanted to do dna, and i said that chemistry was appealing (very appealing if i can get a job!). chem is about 90% of the lab and where all the budget goes. if i can just get the fingerprinting powder under control i won't have a prob. it seems that i am better using cigarette ash then the powder and superglue. i don't get it, but who cares. after i graduate i'm going to try to be human for a while. i may get drunk just to say i did. (prob not, i have issues) oh well.
tori is on her first field trip. she is tall blonde and beautiful, and smart too! i'm so proud of her, i always try to put her first and keep her happy.
then there is her dad. i don't know what is going on there. we have been fighting a lot and i have told him i don't want to fight anymore, that i wanted to try to work this out. now i think i'm tired of trying and ready to move on. i haven't really told anyone that. i've said it a million times, but this time feels different. i have grown up a lot this semester alone, and i've only seen him decline. you can say "you're young and stupid" but i think this is far worse. i feel more grown up and am tired of all the little games that you play in a relationship. i feel that for the first time in my life i am strong enough and have the confidence to go at the world alone. i know this is a lot of blabbing and i should be studying, but i am just so sick of all the mess. i'm ready to clean house in more ways than one. i just hope all goes well. i haven't seen him in a few days. i'm sure it's my fault, all the probs in his life are my fault (no really, it is my fault he is a moron and a dumbass). in fact he said they were, so i blew up at him. see fighting. arg. i need to get going to class. i'll yap again soon.
i'll be ok.

ok so it is almost thanksgiving, no school soon (for a few days) but do i have an easy last day of school? no. i have a bake sale (that i forgot i signed up for) and a meeting (again i forgot) and my lab is being accredited and my boss wants me there. and my family. they are there. they are crazy. and my grandma just moved and all the glory that has. i do have an out. i have a paper due and a presentation the tues we return, and my zoo notebook, and my methods notebook, and i think that's it. i'm prob wrong. i've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. i need chinese food. that will make me better. i hurt my hand on a laundry basket. maybe that will be the first pic i post, my gross hand. :) i'm sleepy and need to stop typing. my ands are becoming dna. ahhh!

use them to squirt someone in the eye with.

i took a self quiz in health the other day and it turns out that i have a hostile personality at the moment. needless to say i'm up to here (gestures over head) with a bunch of people's crap and have proceeded to tell them off. i have too much going on with graduation, figuring out my life, taking care of tori, and trying to win the lottery to put up with the retardedness of other people.
that being said my bf is acting much better since i played the bitch girlfriend card the other day. he had not been spending time with us and wanted to see his friend again. i told him to ger his blanking blank blank in the car then and i would not pick him up that night. needless to say the lack of affection from me caused him to reconsider his actions in the past few days and he is being good now. i give it until this weekend.
i am going to be inducted into the honor society friday. i am a charter member! wow. (this is supposed to look good so sound impressed when you read it)
my classes aren't really sucking right now. thing is i still don't care. so maybe they should suck.
i may have a graduation thing. i dunno, i would have to have 3, one for dad, one for mom, and one for my friends. i may do that. i have the hookup for a meeting room at the farmers branch la quinta (thanks jenn) but i don't want to plan anything right now!
we should be done putting the lab together, now we put things on shelves! the chem guy came, i'll follow him around when things get going. my boss said i should think about doing chem instead of dna, which is something i have already considered. hey, that way if he needs help, they can hire me! but i dunno.
getting a job is scary. being an adult is scary. i have been a student all of my life, and now i stand here ready to be done and am scared. you'd think you would gain some confidence after completing several years of hell and making it out alive and done. i can think of quite a few people who started this journey only to quit when things got hard. oh well. i need to go to zoo lab. we have a quiz and i think i shall bomb it.

ok, so my life as an intern isn't so glamorous. i have cleaned cabinets, cleaned the office, learned my way around the side lab (looking for tools no less) and installed a counter top. yup, i have not done anything forensic yet. i was supposed to learn how to fingerprint, but that had to be postponed. maybe today, but then again, i may be going on a field trip. all in all it's cool. my boss seems nice, and he keeps me up to date on everything going on in the lab. well i need to go to biostat. i'm leaving early so i need to get my hw and run to get tori to school so she can have her pic taken!
btw i feel crappy due to the fact i had a zoo test today. and i'm stressed out!

i got the internship! it isn't paid, but i will get a lot of expeience in all fields of the science. i know i have it until i graduate, who knows what will happen after that. it is a brand new upstart private lab. they aren't done installing everything yet, but i think it will be great when everything is done. i hope they will at least keep me as an intern if i can't find a job somewhere else. that way i can still have some experiance and all that. they seem kinda strict on things, which is good, i don't want to work somewhere that is very unstructured. i hope this is a good opportunity for me, and not just someone to yell at me and only make me wash stuff.
i still am worried. the whole transition from student to worker without experience thing. arg, i need to shake that off. i did look great in my outfit minus the purse. then again it was a guy and a fellow scientist so i don't think he cared.

the best thing of all, he offered me chocolate after the tour.

i had a test in every class yesterday! health (didn't study) methods (didn't study much) and then tox (studied some...kinda). i was just messed up because of today. ZOO LAB PRACTICAL! i need to study now, but it is so daunting. it's like the mcat or gre, you can study all you want, but will not study something that is going to be on the test. i think this class is kinda stupid. they make you act like an expert in every animal. i think we should act like we are in the real world and all specialize in one group. then we all work together beause that's what is done in the real world. at least in my mind. and i think the taxonomic names are evil. i think if you know it is an earthworm you should say it is an earthworm. i call my bf jerm as a nick name, not jeremie lee parker everytime i want to talk to him. i just want to be dumb!
but more than just the practical. i have an interview! my first real interveiw for someting i may not get! i'm scared!my purse is black and my shoes are brown, should i be scared, should i leave it in the car? arg! stupid ramblings. i need to get my mind off of the bad stuff and enjoy myself. i am graduating after all. i should enjoy the first torture of zoology. now i quit rambling.

i'm trying to decide which is better, taco bell or taco bueno. no really, they are great fast food chains and really help me to stay off track on my diet, but which one is better. i'm inclined to go for taco bell due to it's consistancies in food, the price and the fact that it is so much closer to everywhere i am. however, taco bueno has mexi dips and chips which is awesome (esp because they don't charge you to substitue extra queso over guac). it's a tough call.

enough with the ramblings of my brain.
school is almost over! with all the classes that i am taking, you'd think that i care, but i don't. something is telling me to sleep. i dunno, stress for all these years has its way of catching up with you your last semester.
i still don't know what i will do when it is all done. i need a job. wait, i NEED a job. i think that fits it a bit better. i WANT a job that i will like. i WANT a job that is in a lab. i will get the job available. maybe taco bell is hiring...
my relationship is still there. we have good times, we have bad times, but most of all we have blah times. it's hard to find romance and all that crap when you have a 4 year old, exams, tired from the day, and i'm not asking for roses and dates. i just want my cuddle time damn it! just let me feel that i am appreciated occasionally. that and do the dishes without me asking too! (if you don't live with someone, you don't understand the little things) everything used to be more fun. we didn't see eachother all the time so the time we spent together was just that, together. i wasn't aware how deep the obsession with video games really was just as i'm sure he didn't realize the hell we go through during exams. the 2 don't mesh well either. now i am a mom and for all practical purposes a wife. i've lost the fun of girlfriend. i don't think i'm ready for that. but what can you do?
parenting and school don't mesh well either. now i have to do laundry at 10pm because i forgot to see if tori's uniforms were clean. before she always had something to wear. and the late night porjects for her class i forgot due to my own classwork.
i have a lot to bitch about, but at the same time i am happy about stuff. it just always seems like you focus on the negative. you feel the negative more in your day than the good. i walk at least a mile a day and can feel myself getting healthier for it (remote parking is good for something) but yet all i feel when i get home is that i didn't do anything good. i dunno, maybe it speaks more for me.
on a funny note, tori was talking in the car about the diffrence between good and bad citizens. yes, my 4 year old can use citizens in a sentance correctly! and she keeps checking out books about bugs. maybe taking medical entomology last semester and zoo this semester wasn't such a good idea. i'm making my daughter a nerd! :)
well i need to get ready for methods. i've got sperm to play with! no time for spell check!
HAPPY B-DAY TO THE LATE GREAT SRV!!

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. not that i really have time to be doing so, but the life of an occasional insomniac allows for such. the quest for a bs is almost over, and now it is time to begin to plan the rest of my life. so now what? i need to start looking for a job, but the job i want most likely isn't going to be open. anything else i would want to do would require more school, and i need a job. it is so depressing. and then you have to factor in the fact that everything else in your life is questioned. i am going to be a real adult soon, not a college student. i will have everything in life to worry about, i have a kid already, but then comes the question of is this what i want? do i see a light at the end of the tunnel i call a relationship? i want to really badly, but there are somethings that are irking me and i don't know if things will change. mostly things are ok. not always good, not always bad. there are troubles in living with someone, and there are troubles that men don't always realize that it is time to shed the title of boy. there are more important things in life than just what your friends think. if you think your friends will kill themselves if you don't hang out with them every week/day/whatever then it is time to find new friends. necessities are more important than luxuries. taking care of yourself and your responsibilities is more important than what your friends think of you.
i don't want to be a grown up all by myself.
all of these things keep going on and on and on. and then all the issues that arise from having parents still involved, and needing help themselves. arg. i have no clue what is going to go on with the mil. i know that i am going crazy. i can't find things, i stress, she moved my cooking utensils! she didn't dry the things she washed. just the little things. and the big. but i have typed way too much. i need a life.